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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30087591">A Devil, a Douche, and a Demon Walk into an Elevator</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon/pseuds/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon'>FluffyGlitterPantsDragon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lucifer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Behold my field of tropes, Bracelet Bros, Canon Compliant, Down to go up, Drinking, Everyone Needs Therapy, F/M, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Innuendo, Lucifer's arch-nemesis is stainless steel, Meta, No pudding was harmed in the making of this fic, Poor Dan Espinoza, Protective Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Recreational Drug Use, Season/Series 05, Speculation, Swearing, Torment, Trapped In Elevator, post season 5a, sugar we're going down</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:07:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,052</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30087591</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon/pseuds/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer, Dan and Maze get stuck in an elevator when the power goes out. Set after Spoiler Alert. In theory, set before the 5B starts, but who knows how that will happen exactly.</p><p>Shenanigans ensue. Rated T for mild drug use and sexual tension. Probably language too, but I tried to keep it down to canon levels this time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Espinoza &amp; Lucifer Morningstar, Dan Espinoza &amp; Mazikeen, Mazikeen &amp; Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>148</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Devil, a Douche, and a Demon Walk into an Elevator</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>After the convention panels this weekend, and Lesley-Ann's response to who she'd want to be trapped in an elevator with, I HAD to do something with that. (I personally found it hilarious) Also, Tom's comment about what kind of pet Lucifer would have on his panel. And probably some other stuff got in that I forgot about.</p><p>Lots of humor, minor existential crises. Plural.</p><p>Potential Maze/Dan setup.</p><p>Beta'd by Just_Mad_Enough and Glitterskullfairy.</p><p>You gals rock, as always.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hold the elevator!” Dan yelled and slapped his hand between the closing elevator doors, grabbing it just in time before they slid shut. He got a glimpse of Lucifer’s (annoyed) face, and there was a distinct sound of said Devil more or less hammering on a button inside and passive-aggressively trying to keep him out. "Oh come on, you're just making it take longer!"</p><p>There was only one elevator in this stupid building, and Dan was <em> not </em> taking the stairs today. He hauled on the door until it obligingly opened again, slipping inside to find not only Lucifer but Maze as well.</p><p><em> Godd </em> - well. Whatever. It was only a few floors. “<em>Thanks.</em>”</p><p>Mazikeen cocked an eyebrow, leaning against one of the back corners. Her knives were not currently out, and he didn’t see where she kept the damn things sheathed, but they had to be <em> somewhere</em>. He didn’t think too hard about where or how. She sighed. “In a hurry?”</p><p>“I didn’t want to wait. And knowing Lucifer, he’d probably hold it on whatever floor he’s getting off at - shut up - and not let it come back up for ages.”</p><p>“It would have come back up <em> eventually</em>. Unlike my-”</p><p>“Again,<em> shut it. </em>”</p><p>The lights went out.</p><p>“What the-?”</p><p>Emergency lights flickered on, but the elevator had stopped moving with a hard shudder of groaning metal. It wasn't super <em> scary </em> but Dan felt his heart rate speed up and palms suddenly dampen. They couldn’t have gone more than a floor, maybe a floor and a half, and the abrupt stop held firm. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as he got to live, after all.</p><p>Lucifer looked irritatingly calm (if also annoyed), then Dan remembered that of the three of them present, only he was in actual mortal danger. </p><p>Mazikeen made a face. Lucifer adjusted his cuffs, making both those and the bracelet reflect low lights. “Well. This is unfortunate.”</p><p>When nothing new happened for a solid fifteen seconds, Dan dragged out his phone to text Chloe. At the exact same time, he heard Lucifer’s phone ping. </p><p>Lucifer snorted, “message from the Detective - the whole block is out of power. Nothing like electricity going out to make one appreciate the invention of it."</p><p>Lucifer's weird statements had a whole new dimension to them now. Still weird though. </p><p>Dan got a ping from Chloe right after Lucifer, so he felt not entirely left out, asking where he was. <em> Stuck in the elevator with Lucifer and Maze, </em>he texted back.</p><p>Ellipses came and went on his screen as she began typing, stopped typing, began again, and after far too long, just sent <em> Good luck</em>. Then a few seconds later, <em> You’ll be fine. The power outage shouldn’t be too long. I’ll let the Lt know. </em> </p><p>Somewhat worriedly she repeated, <em> You'll be fine. </em></p><p>Dan replied with a GIF of the cartoon dog in a fire-filled room and was rewarded with a laugh reaction.</p><p>Hardly anyone died in stuck elevators anymore, and the modern brake system was fool-proof. He wasn't entirely sure about devil-proof. He can survive an hour or two with Lucifer and Maze, right?</p><p>Lucifer’s phone buzzed again, and he chuckled at whatever Chloe had sent him. Dan just barely resisted the urge to ask about it.</p><p>Maze didn’t. “Hey. Share.”</p><p>Lucifer showed his phone screen, an old kitten poster that said ‘hang in there.' Dan mostly suppressed a grin at Lucifer’s clear amusement at an 80’s poster turned into a meme. It was like witnessing nostalgia in live-action sometimes.</p><p>Dan put his phone away so Lucifer couldn't make fun of his go-to phone game. He leaned against another corner on Maze's side of the elevator. </p><p>The thing had brushed stainless steel panels from floor to ceiling and a matching, round hand-rail. A mirrored top half, just in the back, but it was almost too dark to see themselves. It was a little too close in overall look of the ones in <em>Die Hard. </em>The carpet in here had seen better days, muck-red-brown and either horrifically stained by gallons of coffee, or had begun as the worst pattern he'd ever seen sold for flooring, but at least the building was both new and nice enough that no one had taken a piss in here. Recently. At least they weren't in a parking garage elevator. “I guess we wait.”</p><p>Lucifer sniffed and glared at the doors as if he could see through them. Maybe he could. He commented, “It’s not <em> locked </em>so I can’t just break us out of here that way.”</p><p>When Dan shifted uncomfortably, Maze looked him over and grinned. “Lucifer could just put on his Devil face and we could roast marshmallows.”</p><p><em> That’s not a thing, is it? </em> His protest died when Lucifer growled, “I most certainly will not. And I don’t actually get <em> that </em> hot. And neither of you have any.”</p><p>“Well, okay, so... ‘no doors are locked to the Devil’ is a thing?”</p><p>“Oh, yes.”</p><p>“Did you ever go down to Georgia?”</p><p>“Well. I went down ON a Georgia. Probably more than one, though it’s not that common of a name.”</p><p>Mazikeen sat down, folding her legs under her. “Same. But the song’s pretty good too.”</p><p>She had a secret smile on her lips for what must have been an old joke between them, one that Lucifer didn't care for, judging by his eyeroll. He predictably responded, “I would never <em> lose </em> a musical contest. <em> Especially </em> one in which I’m also the sole judge and jury. Honestly. Not that a gold fiddle would be any great loss.”</p><p>Dan sighed and shrugged off his jacket. Lucifer eyed him speculatively. “If you’re up for a strip-tease-off, you’re beginning badly. Oh, and I’d win that too.”</p><p>“No, man, unlike you two, my ass will go numb if I sit directly on this floor for any amount of time.” He arranged the jacket under him, lamenting a little that he’d changed up his usual leather jacket for a denim one recently. This was washable at least. He had to tug it carefully over his bracelet or it would catch on the amythist. After a second, he tugged his wallet out of his back jeans pocket too, as it wasn’t fun to sit on, leaving his phone on the floor and accessible. </p><p>As he stuffed the wallet into a jacket pocket, a slightly crumpled joint fell out, displaced by moving shit around. He supposed he should be grateful it wasn't followed by an old condom or two.  </p><p>Lucifer beamed. “Well, hello there.”</p><p>Dan scooped it up and stuffed it in a different pocket. “No, absolutely not. Not only are we in an enclosed space, but we’re all on duty.”</p><p>Mazikeen sniffed, her eyes going wide. “I'm not! Gimmie!”</p><p>She <em>actually</em> shoved him on his back and climbed over him to get to it. Dan had about three seconds to appreciate her breasts in a low-cut leather top half an inch from his face before she got the joint away from him. </p><p>Oh and then the condoms hit the floor, along with keys.</p><p>In his defense, her boobs were <em> really </em> distracting. “Hey!”</p><p>Maze gave him a kitten-fanged grin and waved the thing like a wand. “You’re naughtier than I thought.”</p><p>Lucifer scoffed, “It’s just weed, Maze. From the smell of it, not top-of-the-line either.”</p><p>Dan ran his fingers through his hair and quickly collected his other items and put them away again. “Give me a break. I didn’t even buy it. And it hasn’t been illegal in the state for years.”</p><p>“Oh, you <em> stole </em> it then? Or are we boring enough to bum one off one of the miscreants hanging about?”</p><p>Dan winced. "I didn't <em> steal </em> it, exactly."</p><p>"Clearly, you didn't use one of my contacts. I can put you in touch with one of-"</p><p><em>"</em>Hang on." <em>Lucifer, do not give me incriminating evidence I'll have to arrest you for. I don't care that you're the literal Devil.</em> The idea of having to fight with Maze over it too made him reluctantly spill, “Look. A kid had it. I wasn’t going to arrest a twelve-year-old and I wasn’t going to let it go into evidence either without a report. So I took it.”</p><p>Lucifer <em> tsk’d </em>at him. “Stealing candy from babies. Now who’s the Devil?”</p><p>“Dude, you’ve been stealing from the Evidence Closet your entire time with us.”</p><p>“Well. I guess we can’t have more than one Devil, can we? Honorary demon-Dan it is.”</p><p>“I am not nearly as bad as-”</p><p>Mazikeen snorted.</p><p>Dan backpedaled, not super sure if he was complimenting or insulting an actual demon, but Maze had always been a friend, foremost. “I mean. I’m sure you’re not <em> bad</em>, bad.”</p><p>Lucifer nodded, “Oh, she used to be. She’s practically a softie these days.”</p><p>Maze growled, still fingering the joint. “Am not!”</p><p>Dan scrubbed his face with his hands. “You babysit my kid.”</p><p>She frowned. “That’s true. But Trixie could totally hold her own. If she wanted to.”</p><p>“Just… don’t <em>expect</em> that of her, okay?”</p><p>“Are you kidding? If anyone tried <em> anything </em> around her while I'm nearby, they’d be toast. Shredded and burnt toast.”</p><p>He felt weirdly proud and alarmed at the same time, then decided not to press it. His daughter could be safe with a demon. And the literal Devil. Frequently was safe. You know, when he himself hadn’t just sent a fucking bad guy to the Devil’s apartment. </p><p>God, he had some shit to work out. </p><p>Lucifer took a pull from his flask, regarded it for a second, then <em> actually </em> offered it to Dan.</p><p>"Thanks, man."</p><p>“Try not to spit in it.”</p><p>There it is.</p><p>He appreciated the gesture, he really did. “Dude. Still on duty.”</p><p>Maze plucked it from Lucifer's fingers and took a long swallow. She shoved it at Dan. “Here, it’ll help.”</p><p>He didn't ask who she meant. <em> Sigh</em>. “When in Rome, I guess.”</p><p>It was really good booze. Whatever it was. The flask even felt nice in his hand, like Lucifer somehow bought expensive flasks to go with his expensive booze. He lowered it and noticed a sour expression on Lucifer and Maze looking like a cat with a canary. “What?”</p><p>Lucifer shook his head and held up the joint, which he’d somehow gotten from Maze. “Not unless I get to smoke this. Probably not then either.”</p><p>Mazikeen shrugged. “My memories of Rome are pretty sweet. The orgies were something else.”</p><p>Dan blinked a few times. “...orgies? those were <em> actually </em> orgy pants?”</p><p>“The old Empire really knew how to party. Lucifer took me with him a few times. Now that was fun.” she smiled at what had to be some crazy memories.</p><p>Without thinking too hard about it, he took another swallow from the flask. He checked his phone on the floor, but there were no new updates from Chloe. Lucifer still looked twitchy. Dan said, “never been to one.”</p><p>“Your loss.” Maze grinned, eyeing him. “You should have come around when Eve was here. Damn, she looked good in a black pleather mini-skirt.”</p><p>Lucifer sighed semi-wistfully, then shook his head slightly. “As if I would have invited <em> Dan</em>. The Detective, however, wears nothing at all <em> quite </em>well. Not that she'd participate.”</p><p>Dan’s brain skipped a beat. “She got enough of that from her movie days. Can you not?”</p><p>Lucifer got that kicked-puppy look, like he didn’t realize he had said something wrong. “But it’s true!”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s true, but you can’t just go telling everybody.”</p><p>Lucifer frowned as if he’d purposefully forgotten (again) that Dan and Chloe had once been married.  He finally sighed and sat down too, taking off his much nicer jacket but not sitting on it. He folded it up as neatly as possible and set it down next to him. He brightened slightly, eyeing Dan.</p><p>Oh no.</p><p>“You know, Eve quite liked being talked about. Her attributes were-”</p><p>“Nope. We are not talking about her either.”</p><p>It was Maze’s turn to sigh wistfully. “Her boobs are incredible.”</p><p>He is not having this conversation and changed the topic before he punched someone. “How long have you actually been around? Like on Earth?”</p><p>Lucifer waved the joint in the air between them. </p><p>Jesus Christ. Thank God-Whatever that this was part of a night operation and he wouldn’t actually have to be a responsible adult until tomorrow. “<em>Fine</em>. But you <em> have </em> to cover for me.”</p><p>“Deal.” A lighter was pulled from a pocket and Lucifer had the rolled weed expertly lit in seconds. He took a long pull without any trace of a wince and held it in, offering the joint to Maze first. </p><p>She grinned and copied him, and passed it to Dan with relish, maybe expecting him to act like he’d never had pot before. </p><p>Neither Demon nor Devil appeared to have any trouble whatsoever holding their breath. His curiosity was outweighed by the burning end creeping along, so he indulged. By the time he looked back up, both had rings of smoke over their heads, looking at least a little less tense.</p><p>His throat and lungs burned, but he managed not to cough, at least. Reflexively, he popped the top two buttons of his shirt and let it hang open a little, pretending not to notice Maze watching him, but needing a little more ventilation on his skin.</p><p>They sat there quietly for a few minutes, making another round of the joint. Maze wiggled her butt against the floor and leaned back. She admitted, “not terrible.”</p><p>Lucifer shrugged, still far too tense. Dan had already started relaxing, his palms on the floor behind him. “You okay?”</p><p>“Something as mild as pot just doesn’t usually work all that much on me. Back when I was vulnerable around the Detective, I could at least get <em> slightly </em> drunk. It’s pleasant enough, but I get more out of watching others enjoying themselves on it. This isn’t exactly my club, nor am I trying to get either of you into bed.”</p><p>
  <em> Well, thank God for that. Wait. </em>
</p><p>Dan shook his head. “Didn’t you just... <em> decide </em> to not be invincible around Chloe? Could you undo it?”</p><p>Maze looked interested. “Yeah! It’s no fun if you don’t get goofy with us.”</p><p>“You’re barely feeling it, yourself, Maze.”</p><p>Dan turned to look at her, and he was pretty sure the world took an extra half-second to keep up. “What?”</p><p>She shrugged. “I’m not as resilient as Lucifer. But not having any real airflow in here will be a benefit for me.”</p><p>Great. He passed the joint on to Lucifer instead of taking another puff when she passed it. Lucifer had this look on his face as he took it, and Dan reflected he might actually be laying off regular use of the stuff, cleaning up his act somewhat. Dan chuckled. “Hm. I just made a deal with the Devil.”</p><p>“That you did. I don’t do it as often as I used to. But fear not, I’m always good for it.”</p><p>“How come?"</p><p>"Well, when a person gets really excited-"</p><p>"Dude, no. Why make deals? What do you get out of it?"</p><p>Maze answered, "sex."</p><p>Lucifer dragged one of his knees up, hanging a wrist off it. He could have taken up all the space in the elevator if he'd wanted to, if not physically then, just by being <em> him. </em> "Not always. After sex, it was for resources. Once <em> you </em> started building, well, <em> buildings</em>, I had to start wearing clothes on the surface, for one."</p><p>Dan choked mid-swallow from the flask.</p><p>"Try to breathe, Daniel. Which meant I had to either bring them with me or acquire them, again, once I popped up. Having a wardrobe on hand meant less time faffing about and more time doing what or whom I wanted. So, deals."</p><p>Okay. That made some sense, although Dan felt some information was being left out. "Do...uh. did you leave a lot of stuff behind? Downstairs?"</p><p>"In Hell?" And Dan was sure he clarified just to make him twitch. Lucifer continued, "a bit," shifting slightly. "nothing of real consequence."</p><p>Okay, he was definitely leaving stuff out.</p><p>"Maze? How about you?"</p><p>She shrugged. "Nah. When demons <em> have </em> things, stuff just ends up drawing other demons around who want to take it. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely killed a lot of other demons to protect my stash, until they realized I would skewer <em>anyone</em> who touched my shit when I was away. It still wasn’t a whole lot, but I miss it. I had some other outfits, but nothing really valuable. Everything else I carried on me. Oh, Lucifer gave me this pretty sword one time. I didn’t bring it with me last trip, so it’s still down there."</p><p>Lucifer tilted his head, taking another lungful. Through tight lips, he asked, "which one?"</p><p>Maze gestured a little over-animatedly. "You got it from some King, you said. Dude got it from some skank in a pond or something."</p><p>Dan drank and passed the flask on. "Excalibur? Are you shitting me? You stole <em> Excalibur</em>?"</p><p>Lucifer hummed thoughtfully. "That sounds about right. The humans were going to bury a perfectly good sword with the body. It would have gone to waste." </p><p>"You're saying you <em> knew </em> Merlin?"</p><p>"Oh, <em> him</em>, yes. Lad was a real sorcerer, you know. Not many around these days - some of you had to be pricks and burn witches." Said like it was somehow Dan's fault. "Absolutely not sanctioned by me, incidentally.”</p><p>For some reason, that made perfect sense. </p><p>Lucifer asked him, “Tit for tat, Daniel, have you never stolen something noteworthy?"</p><p>Maze took the joint. The smoke was definitely getting thicker, and she looked a little more feral now. "Yeah, you can't be <em> that </em> boring."</p><p>Her comment gave him time to come up with the perfect answer. "Chloe's heart." Of course, it made him a little sad too, but still.</p><p>Lucifer rewarded him with a smirk. "Something tangible."</p><p>He had to think about it. He had <em>stolen</em> a few things here and there over the years, but, his best story was part of a case. "The Batmobile."</p><p>Maze actually spit out her mouthful of whiskey.</p><p>Even Lucifer appeared to be impressed. "Explain."</p><p>"I didn't <em> keep </em> it, obviously, but I drove it. You know how we're close to Warner Studios?"</p><p>"Practically live there, really, being so close to LUX and all. Got contacts there too."</p><p>Dan ignored that, reveling in the very curious look Lucifer was giving him. "So, a few years back, it and some other props were stolen by a gang. We got close to locating everything - some of the stuff they sold led us back to them, but they still had the Batmobile and some other big stuff they honestly had no idea how to unload. I convinced them that I wanted to buy it, as part of a sting. Unfortunately, they caught on before handing over the keys or telling me where it was. I kinda panic-decked the guy and stole the keys, ran around the warehouse complex until I found the guy guarding the car, decked <em>him</em> too, and drove off with half-a-dozen bad guys on my heels and led them straight to the cordon. They were so scared of losing it, they ran right into the police line. It's really hard to steer, by the way. But I got to drive it for a few blocks."</p><p>He <em> hmpf't. </em> "Bloody Hell. They wouldn't let <em> me </em> take it for a spin. It's been completely locked down after that theft, currently not in a driving condition, either."</p><p>Dan threw his hands up, “that part isn’t my fault, I swear. They probably drained all the fluids out after that so no one could just drive it around anymore.”</p><p>Even Maze gave him an impressed look. "Bet that was a fun ride."</p><p>Loopiness was setting in and he stopped fighting a natural grin. "We should do something for Halloween this year. I've still got a cheap Batman costume Trix gave me. Ever do holiday parties? Oh, want me to do the voice? I can do a pretty good Batman."</p><p>Dan took a deep breath, causing both Maze and Lucifer to reply, "<em>NO.</em>"</p><p>He let it out again, pouting. Only a little.</p><p>"Never tell a good story and follow it up by being a dork."</p><p>"I never get to use my improv classes for anything."</p><p>Maze looked positively evil. "Your what now?"</p><p>Lucifer tapped a bit of ash off the joint, far away from clothing. "There's my birthday, or re-birthday coming up. I usually do something fun. In previous years, that included doing someone fun too, or several. I generally abhor Halloween. And most of the others. Mardi Gras is right up my alley, of course. St. Patrick's - except I dress my bartender up in green and have him funnel me as many gingers as he can upstairs." He crossed his arms. "I guess that's out this year."</p><p>"And for the rest of your life. Trust, me, Chloe's worth it. But, what's wrong with Halloween?"</p><p>Lucifer rolled his eyes, but Maze made finger horns on her head. </p><p>Dan didn't get it. "Horns? Don't you, you know?"</p><p>"Excuse you. Do I ask if you have a hidden appendage or two somewhere with no basis in reality?"</p><p>"But everyone draws you with horns." Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. </p><p>“Funnily enough, everyone is wrong.”</p><p>Come to think of it, Dan didn’t remember horns. He also tried not to remember that night too hard, and he was far enough away already that the details were imperfect. There was this sort of fear haze that overlaid the whole thing - he didn’t know how much he imagined, but he didn’t feel it anymore, not with knowledge and experience to displace it. </p><p>“Did it, like, come from <em> somewhere</em>?”</p><p>“...I blame Amenadiel.The goat thing <em> definitely </em>is his fault.”</p><p>His eyes drifted involuntarily to Lucifer’s long-ass legs and snapped back up, banishing a mental comparison to the character from <em> The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe</em>. It probably was just a little unfair. There were enough things in Dan’s past he wouldn’t want mistaken for who he was now. </p><p>Lucifer might steal Trixie’s sandwich, but never her cake.</p><p>He suppressed a giggle. He thought he did.</p><p>Maze rearranged herself, folding up one leg with her foot flat on the floor, mirroring Lucifer. She kicked at his foot lightly with the free one. “What?”</p><p>“The Devil, cowed by my daughter. Never saw that one coming.”</p><p>She twitched, hiding a grin behind a drink of the flask. “Give your kid more credit. She’s got him wrapped around her little finger.”</p><p>Lucifer scoffed, reclaiming the weed and pulling on it. “She gets her tenacity from your ex-wife.”</p><p>He would blame his current attitude on praising his kid, rather than the smoke. Trixie was the last, best thing in his life. The one good thing about Chloe dating Lucifer, ironically, is that Dan knew he wouldn’t be cut out. Well, that and his kid’s college fund was absolutely sealed. She’d be able to go anywhere she wanted. He could swallow his pride and be grateful for that - parents with cop salaries, paying for their own living arrangements wasn’t leaving a whole lot extra for <em> nice </em> schools. </p><p>Dan accepted the flask again. “She’s got my stubbornness though. Hey, does she know? About you two?”</p><p>Lucifer regarded him from a definitely not-slouching at all position. Even seated, the asshole was taller than Dan. He started to retort with something snappish, but then his lips softened and he asked, “do you want her to?”</p><p>“I mean, you <em> have </em> to tell her sometime. You and Maze haven’t aged a day since you got here, that I’ve noticed. And she’s smarter than I am.”</p><p>Maze kicked at his feet again. “My money says she already knows. She’s seen my demon face.”</p><p><em> Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Don’t ask. </em> “Your what?”</p><p>Lucifer, somewhat kindly, looked over them both. “Mazikeen, he may not-”</p><p>Her face changed.</p><p>One second, he was looking at her symmetrical, perfectly sculpted cheekbones and the next, a very much not symmetrical face. The left side of her face became grey and twisted, deep, with gnarled ruts between what looked like decaying muscle. With an effort of will, he met her eyes - one milky white and the other one he knew. His vision tunneled to her eyes, boring back into him. </p><p>Trixie saw this. When? Not recently. </p><p>Her skull didn’t change, not like Lucifer’s had. She still had her hair, her skin color. No horns either.</p><p>He realized he had dropped the flask and was clutching his jacket in either hand at his sides with white knuckles. </p><p>Lucifer had one hand up with his palm out in a calming gesture. </p><p>It’s not like he could go anywhere. He backed up anyway until his spine was flat to the wall, heart pounding in his ears, blood rushing everywhere.</p><p>The pot probably helped a little. </p><p>He swallowed on a dry throat. </p><p>Her face faded or changed or something, back to normal. Or maybe the other one was her ‘normal’.</p><p>Demons are not normal. </p><p>Dan giggled. </p><p>Maze glared at him. “Damn. I knew I should have waited for when he wasn't drunk or something. Didn’t even piss himself.”</p><p>Lucifer gave her a wary look. “That would <em> not </em> have been ideal, Maze.”</p><p>“Speak for yourself. I haven't gotten <em>anyone </em>to expel body fluids from seeing my face since we came up here this time. I don’t get much of a taste of Hell up here, that often. Ah well. You back together yet, Dan?” She rescued the flask and pushed it in his direction.</p><p>Dan unclenched one of his hands and took another swallow without thinking about it. “I think so. Wait. When did Trixie see that?”</p><p>Mazikeen gave a disgruntled snort. “She thought it was my Halloween costume. No reaction at all. Well, no fear reaction. She actually loved it.”</p><p>He passed the flask back to Lucifer. “I mean, that would be a really good one. You two could go to parties like that easy.”</p><p>“I couldn’t.” Lucifer shifted again, producing <em> another </em> flask from somewhere. “My Devil eyes are too animated to pass for full sclera contacts. Plus, there’s a big divot in my skull somewhere that doesn’t allow for a human profile.”</p><p>Dan didn’t remember anything particularly off about the shape of Lucifer’s head, but decided not to ask about that, lest he get a demonstration. Demonstration. Did that word come from 'demons?' <em>Did he ask that out loud, or could the Devil read minds? Oh no</em>. The air was beginning to get a little warm and stuffy, and the smoke was definitely lingering. With an effort of will, he asked, “so you can unlock doors, but you can’t break us out of here?”</p><p>Mazikeen looked interested in his answer, too, he thought.</p><p>“Well. It’s <em> possible</em>, perhaps. But I doubt you’d live through the attempt. If I can get a grip somewhere on an edge of metal, I could try bending it out of place, but it might also snap off and injure you. As much as I would like to get out of here, it’s probably best we wait."</p><p>Dan felt a little hurt. “C’mon. I’m not that bad as company. At least these days, I hope I’m not.”</p><p>Maze grinned, looking at Lucifer. “You never did implement any of those revenge ideas, did you?”</p><p>His soul or lungs got heavier. “What?”</p><p>“Well, to be fair, you <em> did </em> shoot me. It seemed only natural to try to get some sort of retribution out of it.”</p><p>“Like what?” oh, good, there’s the paranoia. “Wait, is this one of them? Hotbox me, scare the shit out of me and let Chloe find me like this?”</p><p>“Now that you put it that way, I suppose it might do. But it was your joint.”</p><p>“Oh come on. I bet you have tons of drugs on you right now.”</p><p>“Less than usual. But we’re talking about you, Daniel. How did you even find pot on a twelve-year-old?”</p><p>“You have to promise you won’t do something to them.”</p><p>“Why? What could I possibly have against a child?”</p><p>“The kid is friends with Trixie. I took it from him and told him-”</p><p>Lucifer’s eyes flashed <em>red</em>, making Dan slam his back against the wall all over again. The Devil loomed over him, growling sharply with a deeper voice than he was used to. “WHO WAS IT?”</p><p>He thought he spoke words, but realized he hadn't. He swallowed hard. “See, that’s why I’m not going to tell you.”</p><p>“Minors are not equipped for such things! Whatever adult <em>provided</em> any drugs-” He calmed down slightly. “I won't take it out on the child - he's not at fault. Perhaps when she’s of age-” Lucifer got a really strange look on his face, for him. Dan would call it ‘fatherly’ on anyone else. </p><p>He felt himself grinning harder, while unsure what had him smiling in the first place. “It really changes your perspective when she’s your kid, or step-kid, doesn’t it?”</p><p>Lucifer looked utterly blind-sided, running his fingers through his hair and mussing it. “Step-child?? Chloe would never-” </p><p>Dan pointed a finger at him. “Look, I’m not saying I’ll do a great job, but I’m calling dibs on the bachelor party. I know I can throw a better bash than your brothers.” He paused. “Or sisters, I guess. Huh. I could get Ella involved in the other side of it. How many people should I plan on, anyway?”</p><p>The demon re-appraised him with a raised left eyebrow. “You think they’d really do it? I don’t think any angel has ever been married before.”</p><p>“You think Chloe would let him <em> not</em>? Hell, Trixie is probably plotting right now.”</p><p>She nodded, thinking. “Yeah, I bet you’re right. Okay, but I'm calling the hen party. Ella can hire that stripper with the snake pants again.”</p><p>The drugs were clearly affecting all of them now. Either Lucifer was wrong about being invincible, or <em> invincible </em> didn’t cover getting high. The fact that Maze agreed with him on anything was proof enough that they should probably stop. The joint seemed to be gone now anyway. </p><p>Lucifer still looked harrowed. “I <em>break up</em> weddings! I married Candy, but it was merely out of convenience.”</p><p>“Wait, you actually married her?”</p><p>“Well, yes, I don’t lie. I used to bluff occasionally, but I couldn’t present her as my wife if she wasn’t.”</p><p>Dan bit the end of his tongue. “Have you started the divorce already? You did, right? That can take a while in this state.” He would know.</p><p>“Yes, yes, it’s all done. No harm, no foul.”</p><p>“Huh. So you’d both be on a second marriage. Weird.” Dan couldn’t resist saying, “So you know Trixie always wanted a brother or sister, right?”</p><p>Lucifer paled a little more, looking more flustered than Dan had ever seen him. “Well, it’s not up to her, is it? And anyway, I can’t have one. The fact that I haven’t yet despite bedding half of LA proves it.”</p><p>“Chloe's already a miracle. What’s one more?”</p><p>The Devil swore in a language Dan had never heard before. He thought. He tried to calm Lucifer down, “hey, it’s not a big deal. Chloe didn’t want another kid, even before we separated. She might still not.”</p><p>“It would be just like Dad to throw in that extra monkey wrench, now wouldn’t it?”</p><p>Okay, Lucifer’s reddening eyes were definitely the pot and not his ‘face’ or whatever. “Look, it’ll be fine. You’d be a great da-father.”</p><p>Maze laughed.</p><p>“No, really. He would literally murder anyone who hurt Trixie or any others.”</p><p>Lucifer’s breathing picked up, as if he hadn’t considered the possibility of <em> more than one</em>.</p><p>“Michael’s your twin, right? Maybe it runs in the family.”</p><p>Their demon started laughing <em> hard</em>. In between breaths, she said “I’ll babysit, but if you have twins, I’m raising my rates.”</p><p>He was going to protest again, but the mind's-eye provided Lucifer (and Dan) the image of a babysitting Maze, demonically wrangling Trixie and possible siblings, <em> and </em> Charlie. Dan gave her a genuine smile. “I’ll trade off. I already get Trixie every other weekend, and Charlie is a breeze. I know what to expect.”</p><p>Lucifer grunted. “There’s still zero possibility of that happening. Let alone marriage. Who would want to actually marry me?”</p><p>Dan crossed his arms. “You’re too hard on yourself, man.”</p><p>Maze wiped her eyes and gathered her wits. “He’s always been. It’s like he wants to out-do his Dad sometimes.”</p><p>Dark eyes glared at them both. “I won’t ask her. I won’t do that to her. She deserves better.”</p><p>Maze and Dan exchanged a <em> look</em>. Dan said, “yeah, but you aren’t breaking up with her either, are you?”</p><p>Lucifer clenched his jaw. “If you’re suggesting-”</p><p>“No, I’m saying, she might propose to you, if you wait too long. So you better have your answer ready, asshole.”</p><p>They were either way too high for this conversation, or not high enough. More gently, Dan asked, “you love her, right?”</p><p>Lucifer looked away. </p><p>“Yeah, you do. Just because you’re not...well, mortal, I guess, doesn't mean you don’t deserve happiness.”</p><p>“Linda refused to marry Amenadiel.”</p><p>Okay then. “Their situation is a lot different.” Probably. </p><p>Maze shifted. “Linda can do better. I’m not saying I don’t like the kid, mind you.”</p><p>Dan leaned over and <em> poked </em> Maze in the arm. If it had been anyone else, she would have literally strangled them. Well, maybe not Eve. He sang at her, “you’re a softie too.”</p><p>Maze tackled him to the floor, lightning-fast and snarling between each word with heady, weed-scented breaths. “Take. That. Back. Now.”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>Dan had the vague impression that Lucifer was debating on betting on the outcome with himself. Dan tried to shove back, but she was really strong and there wasn’t a lot of space. She hissed, trying to grab his hands and hold him down, but he slipped out of her grip with flexibility he didn’t normally possess, aided by a strong desire not to lose to her, and the pot making everything <em> slippery</em>. He pushed her up and away, making her lose her balance for a split-second.</p><p>Lucifer stood up and scrambled back away from them as they rolled around, shaking the entire elevator in a way that should have been alarming to anyone not high. With a curse, he whipped his jacket off the floor before they ruined it. Dan got back out of her hold around his neck and tried to return the favor, but she fucking bit his arm, making him yelp sharply (totally not like a chihuahua, nope.) and shake her off, leaving him open to get pounced again.</p><p>She pushed him back down to the floor, and Dan tried to knee her thigh away to get his balance again, but it just dropped her on top of him. He rolled away, or tried to, but her stupidly attractive breasts were in his face again, and it gave her plenty of time to pin his wrists, straddling his hips and bearing down on him. “Take it back!”</p><p>They both heaved in air, Dan staring at her cleavage while she glared down at the top of his head. He wriggled his hips, honestly just trying to dislodge her, but she growled loudly and clamped her thighs tight around him. </p><p>In the space of a few seconds, the lights came back on, the door dinged and slid open slowly. Like, cartoonishly slowly. Dan missed when it started moving again, but they must have reached their floor before he realized they were there.</p><p>Lucifer looked like, well, he could only be described as a homeless magician, on his knees and crouching on the floor, hair sticking up in an unusual direction, and at some point, he’d undone his top buttons as well. Dan and Maze looked like, well, it didn’t bear thinking about. Certain parts of his anatomy were certainly thinking about it.</p><p>Chloe stood there, thankfully alone, one hand on her hip. “What happened?”</p><p>All three of them yelled, <em> “he started it!” </em></p><p>She wrinkled her nose. “Is that…<em> pot </em>?”</p><p>As if there were any mistaking the cloud of smoke that poured out like, well, smoke into the hallway.</p><p>Someone giggled. It sounded a lot like him. </p><p>“No.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! All the Luci-Love. I hope to see some of your lovely faces next year, when we can have conventions again. Maybe even later this year, if we're all very lucky.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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